@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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@Smooheed: All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall Lean in And whisper 'I'll do your housework'
@Sickayduh: ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired ME: I'm getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra
@TheMichaelRock: Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won't have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.
@Jamie1947: *talking into the phone, loudly enough that I know those ladies can hear me* WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.