@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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@rad_milk: when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
@swisherr_tweet: How to be a white girl: 1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks 2.) take a picture drinking it 3.) Instagram it 4.) hash tag 'summerrrrrrrrr'
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He hired a clown for my nana's funeral" PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
@SladeBlue: Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of. Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.