No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.