No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak