No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.