@ShittyComedian: No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
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@david8hughes: [1st date] Me: I don't mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say? Her: chicken Me: no, after that Her: nuggets
@P_o_n_k: INVESTOR: But how will I know when it's done? INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you've ever been.
@KeetPotato: [lookin in bushes for our baby] me: where the hell can he be? dog: roof roof roof me: will you shut up [baby waves at the dog from the roof]