‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Autocorrect completely socks
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry