@ShittyComedian: No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
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@Rollinintheseat: *Geography Bee* Judge: "Tell me about Yemen." Me: "Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn't breakup with Janice on Friends."
@Marlebean: I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.
@patnelke: Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I'm done, he's natural selections problem now.
@Token_Geezer: Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don't even walk into the right room