I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re