cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
But that’s none of my business
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
this is what they would have looked like, though