Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Is this you?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator