No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG