@SuchaDumbWorld: No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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@tastefactory: HOUSE: I had dreams but no I'll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever WIFE: Did u hear something ME: It's just the house settling
@justabloodygame: The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6: Why are we at the vet? Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies? Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
@_davidlucas_: He goes out for a run, and doesn't even stop to sniff any crotches. Humans are weird. ~Dogs.