No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
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“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐