No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
You Might Also Like
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Some people were born into their job.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.