No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
You Might Also Like
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
😩😩😩
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.