I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
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Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you