“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
You Might Also Like
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.