No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Breakfast for Stoners:
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Super Hand Dog Face
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black