No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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Not even remotely sorry.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.