@WildeThingy: Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@lecalabara: "To hell with it, thats good enough." - every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

@DosieDoe: US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

@joejwest: DOROTHY: What do these shoes do? GLINDA: Send you home D: Lame [tries new pair] And these? G: Wait- D: [clicks heels] [turns into hamburger]

@dubstep4dads: Imagine you're about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a "University of Phoenix" degree on the wall