looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.