@cumbersomeone: No one ever said life was easy, but several people said you were.
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@LMFOFL: If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
@BGH70: Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes. Me: Thanks! I'll tell my feet. [Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
@PaperWash: [mugger trying to snatch Elsa's purse] Elsa: HEY LET IT GO! Mugger: OMG sing the rest
@crouton_futon: "Oh shit I murdered someone" "You should turn yourself into the police" "Great idea!" *puts on badge and hat* "Looks like a suicide to me"