Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
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How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Important reminders
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money