No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*frowns in Scottish*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
You are not alone 💚
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House