No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Danger is very dangerous
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.