No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
The pasta is now
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?