No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
You Might Also Like
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
This makes total sense…
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time