@MomOnFire: No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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@uncle_fescue: Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT? Me: no, it says "worked it" I: worked what? [disco ball drops] [rips off pants] Me: "it"
@LurkAtHomeMom: Pediatrician: How much water does she drink? Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
@OakHill_: *Door creaks open* *Faces lean in* Wife: They need more lunch money. 9: And money for the book fair. 17: And gas money. 13: And can you sign this permission slip? Me, from the commode: Guys... can any of this wait ten minutes?