No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I feel seen.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Running from your problems is cardio .
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
he’s doing your taxes
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.