No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
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Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
what’s the point then??
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.