No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
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Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I鈥檝e learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
The real reason evolution started..馃槀
Cop: *kicks door open* it鈥檚 time to take out the trash
Cop鈥檚 wife: stop kicking the door
I hate when I鈥檓 trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She鈥檚 my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That鈥檚 biologically impossible.
M: No it鈥檚 not.
*My son is 16.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I鈥檝e been deep cleaning my house, so far I鈥檝e removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid鈥檚 rooms.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.