No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Lol
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!