@GreenishDuck: No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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@MarlonBrandNO: [In Bar] Friend: Your fly is down Me: I know, he's going through a messy divorce *glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
@thenoahkinsey: *therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *hits her sister* Me: Keep your hands to yourself. 5: Me: 5: *kicks* Me: And your feet. 5: Me: 5: *headbutts*