@GreenishDuck: No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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@BoogTweets: Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I'm leaving you! Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
@JaneSays___: Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone's mouth while they're talking?
@flashember: [Courtroom] Lawyer: It wasn't the fall that hurt you? "No sir, it was...THE GROUND!" *courtroom erupts* *handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
@timdonakowski: Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? 'Cause I'm pushing ALL the wrong buttons.