No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Hmmmmm
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born