No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
i baked you a cake
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
What is going on? 😅
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.