No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.