police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Aw man, but that’s the best part
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”