No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
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[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts