@BlindChow: No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
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@ElKnuckelhombre: [date shouting over music on the dance floor]: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS? Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
@AbbieEvansXO: GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am] GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you're busted! GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don't BUST him holy shit
@Crunk_Jews: So apparently when a woman asks what you're looking for in a relationship, "a way out" isn't the right answer.
@ShawnHatosy: I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, "you have a problem" so I replied, "no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar."