No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
where do you see yourself in five years?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together