GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Labreador
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started