*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.