No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
dictator is short for richard potato
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner