No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
work smarter, not harder
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.