@justabloodygame: No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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@DeronH: A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"
@1Happytwit: My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
@jenstatsky: The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you're looking for anything specific is, "the bottom half of a shirt."
@TheRealNickKay: [MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.