No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples