No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC