No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex