No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
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If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
this chia pet tastes awful
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on