No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
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On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.