No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.