@perhapssomeday: No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.
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@DaddyJew: Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend.
@dlockw21: Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
@LurkAtHomeMom: *checks WebMD* Holy crap, I need an ambulance! *checks insurance deductible* Nevermind, I'll just take a vitamin or something.
@david8hughes: "The toilet's blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-" [Bowser spits coffee] "Which plumber?"