[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
The Friday File.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life