I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
You Might Also Like
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.