Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Friends that check up on you >
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human