No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!