No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Legend 🤣🤣
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.