@bourgeoisalien: No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I'm just going to follow you home and kill you.
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@Home_Halfway: Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.
@Cherry_Row: Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.
@_mindflakes: "Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"
@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party] GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse! Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around
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