No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
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If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”