“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
i actually laughed 😩
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.