No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*