“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No