I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
It’s an epidemic…
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.