Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
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Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*